... She's back. I'm so sorry for disappearing, but y'all probably expected that. Short run down of the past couple months: Christmas was great. My birthday was great. I did a praktikum. I took an SAT and had a mid-year seminar. I went on a chorus trip. I joined chorus. I'm officially no longer a newbie at boxing. I still miss my dog.
Honestly the intent of this post isn't to update you on what I've been doing. I understand that's the idea, but there are new finalists! This post is going to be a mix of advice, and also a little bit of a story about the realities of exchange. With that, my first point: Exchange isn't a vacation. To the people who keep leading with "How was ditching school for a year?" and it's siblings, get a grip. This isn't me leaving to travel to a new place everyday, with no responsibilities, it's me attending school, and having a life here. By the time you hit the eight month mark, you'll have built a life. It's both wonderful and awful. Future exchange students, you're going to put up with so much bullshit. You'll try and keep in touch with people back home, and they will utterly forget you exist. I'm not saying all your friends will do that, but many will. You'll come to know which of your friendships were ones of convenience rather than real friendship. I have friends who only write whenever I send them something, and not in the sense of shooting off a text. As in when they receive an actual card or something from me. You'll text people, and they'll never reply. They might ask about your exchange, but as soon as you actually talk about it, they stop answering. It can suck. Know that while the first couple months are hard, actually the entire year is hard, but you'll make friends. You'll find those friends who actually want to be your friends despite the distance, and you'll make meaningful friendships here. Second thing: Accept the reality of change. Your friends are going to leave you behind, and you're going to leave them behind. Not in the same way, and probably not in a physical sense. You'll grow so much this year. Sometimes, your friends don't. Going on exchange put me on the wonderful/awful path of self discovery and growth, and the reality is, I'm different. They say for every month on exchange, you live two. I can't find it in me to disagree with them. In the states, people have known me my entire life. I'm expected to behave in a certain way, consciously or not. The reality is different now. I've dropped old habits, gained new ones, found new perspectives, and become a little more self aware. I doubt I'll slide back into that niche I had before, and I certainly don't want to. Another exchange student told me once that coming home was easy, but that holding onto who you are when you come back is the hard part. Third: You're going to get homesick. Maybe not in the way you expect but you will. I find myself missing people less than places. Sometimes it's a physical ache in my chest, the want of familiar Virginia thunderstorms, the muggy heat that wraps around you like a second skin, my porch swing and Holly (my family's dog) lying underneath it, driving with the windows down while Elyse and I catch up, and so much more. You can talk with people. You can't skype with your favorite spot or chair or feeling. It's one of those things where you're going to miss events. I've missed prom, both of my siblings graduating (again), birthdays, and holidays. On the nights of Homecoming, Snowball, and Prom I stayed up absurdly late for the pictures. There was some crying, generally over how beautiful my friends are, but there was some crying. Life goes on without you. You're going to miss people. If anything, you're going to miss the comfortable familiarity of your first language, and a place that's yours. Fourth: You're not going to be able to express your emotions adequately in German. Not at first at least. If you come in with nothing, maybe not ever. I'm still not quite there, but it's certainly improved. I remember one day in my first school, and I felt awful. I had a pounding headache from trying to keep up with the German being spoken in class, and I had tried to say something and heard laughter. It wasn't a personal thing against me, my german was absolutely atrocious, but at that point in time I couldn't handle it. I burst into tears, and I couldn't explain why I was upset or why this was so hard, which just made it worse. Thankfully though, I have friends who will let me cry on them when I've had a bad day (Shoutout to Loreen for just pulling me out of class and giving me chocolate, and the unidentified janitor who gave me tissues and a smile). I couldn't explain the near physical ache I had for home that day, and I don't think I could today. Whether it's infectious joy or the near crushing weight of the want of family, emotions haven't become easier. It doesn't help that in English, there's so many nuances to words. There can be twenty different words to describe a similar feeling, all with slightly different connotations. Sometimes, there's only one word in German. It can be incredibly frustrating not to have the language to express yourself. Figure out a way to cope early. Whether it's journaling, running, knitting, or drawing, know a way to let your emotions out. It's not healthy otherwise. I'm going to cut off here, but feel free to ask questions. Being an exchange student is so much, and I hope that next year's group has a wonderful time. We've got your back.
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McKennaI'm originally from Virginia, I'm going to Germany via CBYX. The blog title is a reference to a beloved nickname from my mother. Archives
October 2016
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